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Sometimes you are in shock, then reality slaps you in the face and it stings. Sometimes you turn on Colbie Caillat and Joshua Radin, jump in your bead, hide under the covers, and cry. You cry hard and it hurts. Sometimes you cry yourself to sleep. Sometimes you sleep until you're ready to be stronger. Well at least pretend you're stronger.

Sometimes you remember what a blessing he's been in your life. The trips up to the ranch, learning how to ride a horse, shoot a gun, drive the go-kart. Being tucked in to bed and being told Mr Creeps stories about two little girls and they're older brother, who were surprisingly similar to Spencer, Ali and me. Laughing so hard that we we

re crying, and just as we were finally calming ourselves down he would give his huge wheezy sigh and it would make us laugh all over again. Walking or driving through his little town of Red Lodge Montana and watching him wave hello to everyone. His lovely little home which always smelled like coffee. Being in a shop and seeing a snail beenie baby, sparkly and pink. Mentioning that I loved it quite loudly to my mom, and watching him quietly buy it for me and pass me the bag. Spending Christmas at the ranch and walking in to find the presents were stacked half way up the Christmas tree. To my delight, he insisted that I had to be Mary because I was the only granddaughter with brown hair. Seeing Santa's sleigh from his porch and getting very worried that he was so close and I w

as still awake. Reading his funny comments of facebook. Wearing the yellow LiveStrong bracelet in his honor. Many memories and more. I will miss him dearly. I love you Papa.